When Violence Doesn’t Stay Behind Closed Doors: The Public Face of Private Pain

If you or someone you know needs help, call the

Virginia Family Violence & Sexual Assault Hotline 

1-800-838-8238

or the LGBTQ Partner Abuse and Sexual Assault Helpline, 1-800-356-6998.

If you are not able to call, text 804.793.9999. If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

On Friday, October 3rd, I stopped by a local grocery store I frequent—just a few miles from home. As I walked toward the entrance, I heard shouting that cut through the normal hum of activity. It wasn’t until I crossed the parking lot that I realized what was happening.

A man was screaming—not just raising his voice, but hurling obscenities—at a woman he appeared to be picking up. She stayed silent, avoiding eye contact, but briefly glanced at the man with what looked like a pleading expression.

I felt shaken and unsure what to do—if I should do anything at all. Other passersby noticed but kept walking. Feeling compelled to act, I said, “Whoa, man, okay,” and quietly asked the woman if she was all right. I’m not sure it was the “right” thing to do; I didn’t want to escalate the situation or make her feel more unsafe.

After realizing I was watching, the man continued shouting as he got into the driver’s seat. I went inside and discreetly took a picture of the license plate, still feeling at a loss. Moments later, the vehicle sped away in anger.

Even as a mental health professional—someone who has worked with survivors at different points in my career—I felt paralyzed, uncertain of my options. Eventually, I reported the incident and the vehicle to the nonemergency police line, though I wasn’t sure it would make a difference.

I left the store that day with a heavy heart—and a renewed awareness that for many, moments like this are part of daily life. It’s why conversations about domestic and intimate partner violence matter now more than ever.

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October marks Domestic Violence Awareness Month—a time to honor survivors, raise awareness, and strengthen our commitment to prevention and support.

Domestic violence (DV) and intimate partner violence (IPV) are far more common than many people realize. Every year, 10 million people in the U.S. are affected. That’s 24 people every single minute. These aren’t just numbers—they represent mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, neighbors, and friends whose lives are shaped by fear, control, and violence.

Beyond Physical Harm: The Mental Health Toll

Abuse takes many forms—emotional, financial, sexual, and physical. But the consequences extend far beyond visible harm. Survivors often carry the weight of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and suicidal thoughts long after the abuse has ended.

A global review of research (2012–2024) found strong links between domestic violence and self-harming thoughts and behaviors. Living in a constant state of fear—anticipating the next act of violence—can create profound shame and emotional exhaustion. When that pain is endured in silence, the shame can become unbearable.

The connection between violence and poor mental health is undeniable—and it deserves just as much attention and care as physical safety.

What the Research Tells Us

Recent studies give us new insight into how DV and IPV affect people across different life stages and circumstances:

• Among College Students: A 2025 study tested the use of ecological momentary assessment (EMA)—real-time surveys delivered throughout the day—to better understand IPV among 18–25-year-olds. Results showed higher reporting of psychological, physical, and sexual IPV in these moment-to-moment surveys than in daily summaries, suggesting that abuse is often underreported when relying on memory alone. Importantly, EMA could be harnessed to bring timely interventions right when survivors need them most.

• The Role of Loneliness in Adolescence: Another study using national data found that loneliness in adolescence was strongly linked to both IPV victimization and perpetration in adulthood. Interestingly, this connection did not extend to non-IPV forms of violence. This highlights the critical need for early interventions that support social connection and emotional development in teens—before cycles of isolation and violence take hold.

• Listening to Perpetrators: Despite decades of investment in DV interventions, programs targeting abusers have shown mixed results. A scoping review of research (1987–2023) revealed that less than 0.2% of DV studies included perpetrators’ voices, even though their perspectives could provide valuable insights into motivations and potential change strategies. By bridging this knowledge gap, we may be able to design more effective, holistic interventions that reduce harm.

When Firearms Are Involved

While abuse can occur without weapons, the presence of firearms adds a deadly dimension. Research consistently shows that guns in abusive households drastically increase the risk of homicide. But it’s not only explicit threats (“I’ll shoot you if you leave”) that matter—implicit ones, like leaving a firearm visible during an argument, can create a chilling atmosphere of fear and control. These threats—whether spoken or unspoken—keep survivors trapped in cycles of hypervigilance.

What We Can Do Together

Domestic violence isn’t something that happens “behind closed doors.” It’s happening in our communities, on our campuses, and sometimes in our own families. That means each of us has a role to play in creating change.

• Speak up and support: If someone you know seems isolated or unsafe, check in. Sometimes just knowing they’re not alone can make a difference.

• Push for stronger protections: Laws around firearms and abusive partners only work if they’re enforced. Our voices matter when it comes to making sure safety is a priority.

• Start early: We can help prevent future violence by supporting teens and young adults with healthy relationship education, social connection, and strong mental health resources.

• Keep learning: Survivors, and even perpetrators, have insights we need to hear. The more we listen, the better we can build solutions that actually work.

Final Word

Domestic violence isn’t always obvious. It’s not just about physical harm—it’s about fear, control, and the emotional weight that can follow someone long after the relationship is over.

The good news? Change really is possible. Every time we listen to survivors, talk honestly about healthy relationships, or check in on a friend who seems distant, we’re helping break the cycle. When we teach young people what respect and connection look like, we give them the tools to build something better. And when communities come together to say, “You’re not alone,” it makes a world of difference.

When violence occurs, it doesn’t just impact those directly involved—it ripples through families, communities, and generations. Violence is not a private matter; it’s a public issue. Small actions add up. Sharing resources, speaking out, or simply being there for someone—it all matters. Together, we can create safer, healthier spaces where everyone feels valued and supported.

Virginia State Hotlines & Services

• Virginia Family Violence & Sexual Assault Hotline

  Call: 1-800-838-8238 (V/TTY)

  Text: 804-793-9999

  This is a 24/7 confidential hotline that connects callers with local crisis centers, shelters, and advocates. Virginia Department of Health+2vsdvalliance.org+2

• LGBTQ Partner Abuse & Sexual Assault Helpline (Virginia)

  Call: 1-800-356-6998 Virginia Department of Health

• Virginia Department of Social Services — Domestic Violence Program

  Provides oversight and support for local DV agencies in Virginia, including funding, technical assistance, and public awareness. Virginia Department of Social Services

• Virginia Attorney General’s Office — Domestic Violence Resources

  Provides a directory of local crisis programs and information for survivors. Virginia Attorney General's Office

• Virginia Victims Fund / Info-Line

  Call: 1-888-887-3418

  Connects you to crime victim services and referrals across Virginia.

County Resources

• Loudon County – LAWS (Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Services)

  • Hotline: 703-777-6552 (24/7) Loudoun County

• Fairfax County –

  • Hotline: 703-360-7273 (24/7) Fairfax County+1

• Prince William County/Northern VA – ACTS Domestic Violence Services

  • Hotline: 703-221-4951 Prince William County Government

• City of Alexandria –

  • Hotline: 703-746-4911 (24/7) AlexandriaVA.Gov

• Henrico County –

  • 804-501-5731 Henrico County

• Hampton – Transitions Family Violence Services

  • 757-723-7774

• Richmond City – Safe Harbor

  • 804-500-2755 (24/7) Home - Safe Harbor

• Roanoke/Southwest VA – Turning Point, TAP(Sabrina’s Place)

  • Turning Point: 540-345-0400

  • TAP: 540-580-0775 (24/7)

References

Das, A., Suresh, S., Desai, G., & Satyanarayana, V. A. (2025). Domestic violence and self-injurious thoughts and behaviors among adults: A global systematic review. Crisis: The Journal of Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention. Advance online publication.

Sullivan, T. P., Clayton, A., Schick, M. R., Maxwell, C. D., Mastalli-Lowther, G., O'Neil-Wild, G., & Scanlon, M. D. (2025). The nature of explicit and implicit firearm threat by intimate partners across the life course among women experiencing intimate partner violence. Psychology of Violence, 15(5), 611–622.