How to Set Boundaries with Family During the Holidays (And Set the Guilt Aside)
- Jenna Miles
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
To echo so many prior blogs and holiday sentiments, this season can be full of warmth, connection, and traditions—but it can also come with pressure, expectations, and emotional overload. Setting boundaries with family can be particularly difficult this time of year, often fearing that doing so will hurt someone’s feelings or create conflict. But boundaries aren’t selfish. I repeat, boundaries aren't selfish. They’re an essential part of maintaining your well-being, protecting your time, and showing up as your best self.
Here are some tips on how to set healthy boundaries with family during the holidays—hopefully without getting stuck in guilt or succumbing to the all too familiar guilt trips:
Be Clear, Concrete, and Concise
Start with the 3 C's. When setting boundaries, vague language often leads to confusion or pushback. The clearer you are, the easier it is for others to understand what you need and adjust their expectations accordingly (if willing).
Instead of:
“I'll try to stop by. We'll see.”
Try:
“I can come from 2–4 p.m., but I’ll have to leave at 4 p.m.”
Short, simple statements help prevent misunderstandings. You don’t need a long explanation—less said, best said. Your needs are reason enough.
Be Assertive and Compassionate
Boundaries don’t have to sound harsh (even when your brain might tell you otherwise). You can make space for your needs and still be kind.
Try pairing assertiveness with warmth:
“I love spending time with everyone, and this year I will not be traveling.”
“I hear that this is important to you. Here’s what will work for me…”
Assertiveness protects your limits; compassion protects the relationship.
Know Your Own Limits
Before you communicate boundaries, take time to check in with yourself. Our capacity is always changing. So before making commitments, ask:
What feels draining to me?
What helps me feel grounded and safe?
What am I realistically able and willing to do?
Limits are not solely based on your physical abilities. Your limits also relate to time, energy, emotional capacity, financial stress, or family dynamics. The better you understand and feel confident about your boundaries internally, the easier they are to communicate externally.
Frame Boundaries with Appreciation
Boundary-setting goes more smoothly when the other person feels valued and seen. You can affirm the relationship while still holding your line.
For example:
“Thank you for inviting me—it means a lot. I have always enjoyed my time in the past. This year I need to keep things manageable for myself, so I will be missing out this time.”
“I really appreciate the thought and intention behind this tradition, and I need to do things differently this year.”
Appreciation softens the delivery without weakening the boundary.
Be a “Broken Record” When Necessary
Sometimes family members push back, minimize, or try to negotiate your boundaries. All too often, they will hit you with the infamous guilt trip. When that happens, repeat your original statement calmly and consistently.
You don’t need to justify, argue, or explain further—remember, less said, best said.
For example:
“I won’t be able to stay overnight.” If someone pushes back:
“I hear you. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to stay overnight.”
Staying steady helps communicate that the boundary is firm and will not be changing.
Challenge Guilt by Definition
Guilt often shows up when we prioritize ourselves—especially if you grew up feeling responsible for others’ comfort. For many of us, this is a taught value—selflessness. But not all guilt is a sign you’re doing something wrong.
Healthy guilt:
Happens when you’ve actually caused harm.
False or “manufactured” guilt:
Shows up simply because you’re doing something new, uncomfortable, or different.
Setting boundaries is not harming someone else. Their disappointment or discomfort is not the same as harm. Setting boundaries is taking care of yourself.
When guilt arises, try reminding yourself:
“This feeling is discomfort, not wrongdoing.”
“It’s okay to take care of my needs.”
“People can be disappointed and still love me.”
Setting boundaries with family during the holidays is not about shutting people out—it’s about showing up in ways that feel healthy, sustainable, and true to yourself. In healthy relationships, your boundaries are respected even when not liked. And when family respects your boundaries, time spent with them feels safer, more uplifting and fulfilling, and often less draining. It is the difference between being present out of obligation and being present out of a desire to be there. You deserve a holiday season filled with connection and peace, joy and comfort, tradition and space for your own needs.
Recommended Reading
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab
Family Drama by Nedra Tawwab
Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey Gibson, PsyD
Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free by Nancy Levin
Boundaries; When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend