Empathy vs. Emotional Monitoring: Are You Supporting Your Partner or Silencing Yourself?

When we talk about emotional intelligence in relationships, empathy often takes center stage. But what if what we think is empathy is actually something else—something that may look caring on the outside but is quietly draining us inside?

I explored this subtle but critical distinction. Insights I found have been particularly valuable for couples navigating the delicate terrain of emotional connection.

What is Empathy, Really?

According to the American Psychological Association, empathy involves understanding someone from their perspective—not your own—and even vicariously experiencing their emotions. It’s about being present with someone’s pain without trying to fix it.

Brené Brown calls empathy a "skill set" and part of the broader construct of compassion, which includes action based on shared humanity. Empathy allows us to reflect another’s experience back to them—offering validation, not solutions.

The Three Types of Empathy

1. Cognitive Empathy – Understanding someone’s thoughts and feelings intellectually. Useful in professional or group settings, but may feel emotionally distant.

2. Emotional Empathy – Feeling what the other feels. This can foster closeness but may also lead to over-identification and blurred boundaries.

3. Compassionate Empathy – Combining emotional understanding with a desire to help. This is often the sweet spot in healthy relationships.

Enter: Emotional Monitoring—Empathy’s “Evil Twin”

Emotional Monitoring is a lesser known but extremely common phenomenon. Studied by Dr. Jessica Torres-Mackie, this refers to the habit of constantly assessing others’ emotional states—often at the cost of tuning out our own.

Signs of Emotional Monitoring:

• You’re always asking, “Are you okay?” even when there’s no clear reason.

• You feel responsible for someone else’s mood.

• You struggle to share your own emotions without first assessing the other person’s reaction.

• You may have grown up needing to monitor others’ feelings as a form of self-protection.

This dynamic often stems from a desire to avoid conflict or to people-please—but over time, it leads to emotional exhaustion, low self-esteem, and disconnection from the self.

Are you also sharing how your feel? What you want? What you need? Can your voice be heard as well as your partners'?

Most Common Populations:

• Women – continued to be caretakers

• Marginalized communities – history of generational trauma and systemically devalued

• Survivors of childhood trauma – this includes complex trauma, hypervigilance ensures safety

  
  

Why This Matters for Couples

In romantic relationships, emotional monitoring can be mistaken for empathy—but it’s not the same. True empathy supports both people’s experiences.

Several 2025 studies have been done to assess the impact of true empathy on relationships. One study found that accurately empathizing, not emotional monitoring, with a partner increases a couple's ability to coregulate their emotions. Another study found that empathy improves sexual wellbeing among couples improving overall relationship satisfaction. This is not to say that sexual intimacy occurs more frequently, however couples report more satisfaction and sexual wellbeing as a part of their relationship.

All this to say, emotional monitoring often results in one partner shrinking themselves to manage the emotional landscape of the other. Empathy improves relationship satisfaction allowing both partners to feel seen and heard.

Imagine this:

You notice your partner seems off but they deny anything is wrong. They respond with “I’m fine” with no eye contact, no connection, and an overall palpable distance. You feel anxious and confused, begin asking multiple questions to try and figure out your partner's mood and what is really going on with them. Ultimately you feels unsettled despite your partner’s reassurance. This is emotional monitoring in action. Eventually, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and your partner says "okay, now I am annoyed because you won't stop asking me." Has this type of interaction ever happened to you?

A truly empathic response might look like giving your partner space, acknowledging your own emotional reaction, and later returning to the conversation with openness rather than assumption saying something like "I've been feeling a little anxious and confused because something seems off. Will you talk with me about it?"

Reclaiming True Empathy

To shift from emotional monitoring to empathy, both partners must be willing to sit in discomfort—not jump to fix, defend, or avoid. This requires:

• Clear communication

• Emotional boundaries

• The courage to express needs without over-editing for the other’s comfort

Final Thoughts

Empathy builds connection. Emotional monitoring erodes it, even if done with the best intentions. By understanding the difference, couples can create safer emotional spaces for both partners—not just one.

If you're noticing signs of emotional monitoring in your relationship, consider reaching out to a trained couples counselor. The path to real empathy starts with awareness.

Want more from Jenna Miles? Visit www.milebymilescounseling.com or contact her directly at Jenna@milescounseling.com.

References

American Psychological Association. (2023, November 15). APA Dictionary of Psychology: Empathy. Apa.org. https://dictionary.apa.org/empathy

Arican-Dinc, B., & Gable, S. L. (2025). Empathic accuracy and interpersonal emotion regulation in close relationships. Emotion, 25(3), 725–735. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0001448

Avnor, Y., Atias, D., Markus, A., & Shamay-Tsoory, S. (2025). It takes two to empathize: Interbrain coupling contributes to distress regulation. Emotion, 25(3), 736–754. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0001431

Brown, B (2022). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House Audio.

Goering, M., Moore, A., Barker-Kamps, M., Patki, A., Tiwari, H. K., & Mrug, S. (2025). Adolescent empathy and epigenetic aging in adulthood: Substance use as a mediator. Developmental Psychology, 61(4), 714–725. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001893

Huberman, J. S., Tavares, I. M., Goruk, K. J., & Rosen, N. O. (2025). Empathic accuracy for a partner’s negative affect is associated with couples’ daily sexual well-being. Journal of Family Psychology, 39(3), 359–370. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0001317

Torres-Mackie, N (2020, January 6). Empathy’s evil twin. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/underdog-psychology/202001/empathy-s-evil-twin? msockid=3c053383ce5a65e72dcf2243cfed6437 

Williams, Jennifer (2021, March 3). How to apply emotional, cognitive, and compassionate empathy. Heartmanity. https://blog.heartmanity.com/how-to-apply-emotional-cognitive and-compassionate-empathy